We're all human, but... (part one)

Over the last couple months, I've been wrestling with some unsettling questions that seem to get louder with each day: "Is this really the life I am meant to live? Am I truly living to my full potential or have I settled for something less because of fear, or my own insecurities, or simply because it's comfortable? Am I capable of something more? Do I have what it takes? Will I always feel this way?"

Deep down I really believe I was made for something more. Deep down I truly believe that I am capable of so much more (that we all are). And deep down I cling to a hope that I won't always feel this way. However, if I'm honest with myself, most days I don't live like I believe this. Instead, most days I live nagged by insecurities, questions, and doubts if I'm good enough--fears of failing, fears of letting others down, and fears of being found out that I'm not all that I make myself out to be. Most recently I'm plagued by the fear of regret--that one day I'll look back on my life and be filled with regret because I let all these fears keep me from stepping into the dreams for which God created me.


So I took my first step...

A few weeks ago on a late night much like tonight, I felt I needed to do something to take my first step, to jolt myself out of what's comfortable, and face these fears and doubts head on. So I emailed a group of close friends, family, and mentors to tell them about the thoughts I've been wrestling with and simply ask them to join me in the struggle through their prayers. It may seem like a small step, but I know it was an important first step because we'll never have what it takes just on our own to live out the dreams God has for us. And now tonight the very act of writing this post is actually a second step in facing those fears and insecurities head on.

You see, a little over a year ago I was unexpectedly let go from my job, and as a result, I was wrestling with many of these same thoughts about what I'm living for. I decided to open up a Google Doc to begin writing out my dreams for my life, and as I began listing my dreams, one thought came to mind that surprised me: "I want to write books that transform people's lives." Until that moment I had never thought of this as one of my dreams, but the more I thought about it, the more it struck something deep within me. It just seemed right.

Throughout college (before the world of social media, Facebook, blogging, etc.) every once in a while a thought would come to mind that I felt I should share with others, so I would open up an email, type up my thoughts, and send it out to a somewhat random group of contacts. Yes, I'm sure there were some that probably just skipped right over those emails or sent them straight to the trash, but I truly believed that those thoughts I was thinking weren't just for me. I truly believed and hoped that somehow God would use my words to touch someone else.

These random, semi-mass emails continued for a while, then they morphed into extremely long periodic updates, and eventually they morphed one more time into "missionary newsletters" during my couple years in Romania. However, when I came back from Romania, that was the end. My writing stopped, but my desire to share my life and touch others through writing did not go away even though it may have gone into hibernation for a season. And now I find myself here once again, attempting to stir the bear from it's deep sleep and wake these dreams from their slumber.


So what's my point?

Unfortunately, I won't really get into my main point until "part two" of this post, but in a nutshell, here it is. Although I continue to wrestle everyday with my insecurities and doubts, with feelings of guilt and nagging fears, God keeps on reminding me that He has so much more in store for me, that He has never given up on me. Although I may have given up on myself, He never has and never will.

There's a good reason these thoughts won't go away, and that's because God won't let them go away. He has created us for dreams greater than we could ever imagine, and although we may stumble and fall, get beat down by life, or just settle into a comfortable rut of the daily grind (work, eat, watch TV, sleep, and work once more), He loves us too much to let us stay there forever. He has created us for so much more, and no matter what we think of ourselves, He thinks the world of us and won't give up until we taste life as He intended.

And so until I get to part two, I hope and pray that something here encourages you. Don't give up on your dreams. Don't be afraid to wake up some of those dreams you may have buried or put to rest because of doubts, ridicule, fears, rejection, or guilt. Those dreams are in you for a reason, and God will continue to poke that bear until it stirs from its deep slumber.